My regular readers may have noticed that I did not post any new material this past week.  There is a reason for that.  I was in Miami (Florida) last weekend for the “Bird Road Baby Boomers” reunion at Tropical Park.

Now if you’re not from Miami you’re probably scratching your head wondering exactly what (or who) are the “Bird Road Baby Boomers.”  Allow me to explain.

I grew up in Miami, lived there for most of the first 34 years of my life, in fact.  Moreover, I am a second-generation Miami native since my mom was born there as well (in Coral Gables).  Again, that may not mean much to you if you’re not from the area, but you have to realize that up until the early part of the last century, Miami was little more than a one-horse town with a lovely beach area that was home to a number of gangsters (Al Capone, for example, had a place on Miami Beach).  In fact, even in the middle part of the 20^th century there was still plenty of room for families to come in and put down roots, which they finally started doing because by that time there was a way to control the mosquitoes and you could make a home *almost* bearable with fans and, later, window air conditioners.

As a Floridian I cannot begin to tell you how thankful I am for central air conditioning.  I grew up in a home with no air-conditioning and I can still remember lying in bed on a summer night unable to sleep because I was sweating (or rather, perspiring) so profusely.  Furthermore, the air coming in through the open windows was so still and hot that, if anything, it just made things worse.  I can also remember going to high school and wondering how a certain friend could look so amazing when we were in classrooms that were easily 95 degrees with humidity of close to 100%.  She said her secret was talcum powder.  Somehow it never worked quite so well for me.

In any case, one of the (many) main drags in Miami is 40^th Street, known to the locals as “Bird Road.”  It is the site for one of the best pizza places in the world: Frankie’s Pizza – and you can even get their pizza shipped to you!  It also is home to Tropical Park which started out as a horse track (they were still racing horses there when I was a kid) and later turned into a huge park for various recreational and exercise facilities along with a stadium where the local high schools played football.  It now also houses an “equestrian center” which is where the Bird Road Baby Boomers event was held last weekend.

The concept for the event, a clever one I think, was to invite alumni of the baby boomer generation that had attended the various public high schools in the vicinity (a half-dozen or so) to a big-time reunion that would allow friends from different classes and schools to reconnect and also, to raise money for Alzheimer’s research.

I had missed my 30-year high school reunion two years ago due to me and my kids coming down with swine flu so when I heard that someone from my class of 1979 was planning a “birthday party” as a bash within a bash, I said, “Sign me up!”

Which brings me to a secret that I now must share to my chagrin – I am turning 50 this month.  You see, the reason for the “birthday party” for those of my graduating class is that this is the year that most of us are turning 50.  Ouch.  And for the record, I contend that all those people who smugly assert that “age is just a number” have been reading way too many motivational posters.  I would suggest a steady diet of “De-Motivational” posters starting with perhaps this one: Self-Esteem.

I’ve got plenty of body parts that can attest to the fact that age is not “just a number.”  My creaky hip for one.  But never mind that.

Frankly, I can see that there are a few good aspects to turning 50.  For most of us, once we hit our 30’s and especially 40’s (and beyond) we begin to see how incredibly stupid most humans under the age of 25 are.  And I’m not talking about book-smarts or even, necessarily, uneducated.  I mean they actually believe that, for instance, their actions have no consequences.  The truly sad thing is when you see someone in their 30’s or, for that matter, in their 70’s that still believes that their actions have no consequences.  They are generally the people whose family members are no longer speaking to them and whose friends are either long-gone or just as messed-up as they are.  Age is supposed to bring experience and wisdom.  Even if sometimes that wisdom comes from walking through some hard times.

I also think that turning 50 grants me a certain license to be lazy, indifferent, or even a little loopy.  Not in an irresponsible manner, mind you.  Not in any way that would hurt someone else.  But why, for goodness sake, shouldn’t I take a nap if I feel like it?  Or scream like a crazy person at a Seminoles football game?  I mean, I’ve lived half a century, darn it!

On the other hand, life at 50 for me is not quite like life at 50 for most women.  In the days leading up to the Bird Road Baby Boomers bash, I was communicating via e-mail with one of the coordinators about some questions I had.  I mentioned that I was a member of the “Fabulous at 50” group.  In my e-mail I remarked that, by having our own little “bash within a bash” celebrating our 50^th birthdays, we were sort of trying to turn lemons into lemonade.  Her reply was something along the lines that “in your 50’s it’s all lemonade.”  In other words, your kids are grown, you’re enjoying your grandchildren, and you have the time and money to travel and pursue your own interests.

There’s just one problem.  Actually it’s a joy, but nevertheless, what it amounts to is that I am not in the stage of life where: my kids are all grown, I’m enjoying my grandchildren and I have the time and money to travel and play.

I do have two grown children (no grandchildren yet, but that’s okay!) but I also have two children that I’m still homeschooling and one of them is only nine!  I’m in the throes of getting my high school senior son applied to college and college scholarships all the while I am teaching my nine-year old long division.  And while I generally like math, I hate long division.  It goes against all the other rules of solving equations and it’s just annoying.

In any case, I made it to Miami where I attended two events: one on Friday night for the members of my class of ’79, and another on Saturday where I got to see those classmates again as well as a number of other people that were not in my class but that I had known well at one point in my life.  Many of the people I reconnected with that weekend were, in fact, people I had gone to elementary school with and who had lived in my neighborhood!  It was wild.  I had an absolute blast.  (And while it’s dry as dust in Tallahassee right now it rained both days in Miami and I managed to get soaked at both events!  Oh well.  Living life on the edge, right?)

Well, I might not be exactly living life on the edge.  Unlike one of my (female) cousins who is only two months older than me, I am most definitely not jumping on my Harley to travel the country.  But that’s okay.  I have the pleasure of snuggling on the couch with my nine-year old listening to the classical composers, or laughing over a funny story, or solving long division problems.  Actually, maybe we should just move on to fractions.  Yeah, let’s do that!

P.S.  For those who would say that reunions like this are (à la #15 and maybe #24 of The Bitter Home-Schooler’s Wish List) a reason why kids should not be homeschooled because they would miss out on the wonderful memories and camaraderie, I say, “Pshaw!”  (Yes, it’s a word!)  My daughter still keeps in touch with homeschooling friends she grew up with and, moreover, she has been a member for many years of the Home School Alumni organization.  HSA has members from all over the country who get together for national conferences as well as smaller regional and local events.  My daughter has coordinated and attended some of these events and made many wonderful friends as a result.  If you have a child who has graduated, or will soon be graduating, your homeschool program, make sure they check out HSA!

I received the following in an e-mail from my daughter some time ago.  I don’t know who wrote it but I thought it was funny and decided that this would be a good week to throw in a little humor before starting my 3-part series next week on homeschooling your older children.  I hope you enjoy it!

Lesson 1 

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.  Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work.

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc.  Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows.  Cover the stains with crayons.  How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van.  And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
4. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.  Mash them into the back seat.  Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child (a full-grown goat is an excellent choice).  If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.  Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.  Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half of the remainder into your lap.  The other half, just throw up in the air.
7. You are now ready to feed a nine-month old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, Blue’s Clues, Dora the Explorer, etc.  Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel, or Noggin for at least five years.  I know, you’re thinking “What’s ‘Noggin?”  Exactly the point.  Editorial note:  I actually don’t know what Noggin is…must be because my family doesn’t have cable!

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying “mommy” repeatedly.  (Important: no more than a four-second delay between each “mommy” allowed; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).  Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.  You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice.  Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the “mommy” tape made from Lesson 10 above.  You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Editorial Note #2:  The above is obviously meant to be very tongue-in-cheek.  For instance, my children will tell you that my car is always clean simply because I require that all garbage be removed as soon as we get out of the car.  (I don’t tolerate clutter well!)

Keeping a sense of humor certainly helps with parenting but given that all three of my sons were what I call “non-sleepers” I know it’s not always easy!  If you’re having “one of those days” you have my permission to get yourself a cup of coffee, put your feet up, and just let everything go for a little while!

Home-schoolers often try to find ways to give their children “credit” for the variety of experiences they encounter in daily life (and if you’re not already using this strategy you should be!)

I want to offer you some ideas for how you can use your holiday preparations and festivities as credit for just about every school subject you might think of:

• Sing Christmas carols in the car on the way to the mall – Music Appreciation.
• Bake Christmas cookies for a party or to share with the neighbors – Science, Math, and First Aid.
• Comparison shop at “real” stores or online stores for the digital camera your child wants to get for their dad – Economics.
• Do what I do and let your children – assuming they are not all still in diapers – take over the job of decorating the Christmas tree – Interior Design and Business.  (Just think…they will have to use their “negotiating skills” concerning how many light strands to use and where the ornaments should go!  Could get interesting.)
• Forget the GPS and have your children map out the best route “over the river and through the woods to Grandmother’s house…” – Geography.
• Make home-made decorations or ornaments for your own home or as gifts - Art.
• Let them help plan what to wear for their Christmas pictures – Home Economics.
• Have your children write and perform a Christmas play for a family gathering (or if they are on the shy side then just for you) – Creative Writing and Drama
• Enjoy a Christmas movie marathon complete with popcorn and hot chocolate for refreshments: Film Appreciation

Or…just take a break and enjoy being a family with your own traditions and festivities.  You can credit that as: remembering why we home-school in the first place!

P.S.  About a week ago I was contacted by the New York Times (really!) asking me to write a mini op-ed for a panel they were doing on the pressure high school students are under to fill their “resumes” – not only with academic work but also extra-curricular activities, volunteer work, etc.  I happily scribbled my opinion (I have lots of opinions!) and sent it in.  So here it is: my New York Times op-ed entitled “The Home-School Advantage.”

So have you heard about the “home-school-amatic?”  It slices, dices, and solves quadratic equations in 60 seconds or less!  You haven’t heard of it?  Neither have I. 

Let’s face it, there is nothing automatic about home-schooling.  It takes work and commitment.  It also reaps benefits that are far-reaching and profound. 

Okay, so you’re asking: but how is home-schooling like learning to drive a car?  Well, here are three comparisons I came up with.  Add your own in the comments!

1)  No matter how long a child has been anticipating learning to drive, no matter how eager they have been to take that step towards furthering their independence – the first time they get behind the wheel themselves is unnerving.  Thinking about and planning to drive is one thing, to actually DO it is another matter all together.

Home-schooling is like that.  Parents hear about home-schooling, become interested, research it, talk to other home-schoolers about it, go to a convention, order curriculum and then the day comes.  The first day of home-schooling!  They are excited, yes.  But it is all a little unnerving too.  There are doubts.  The first time their child fails to understand a math concept or simply refuses to do their work, many parents panic and fear they are doing irreparable harm to their little ones.  Just so you know: you’re not.

2)  People don’t just teach themselves to drive, at least not in this century.  Most often, a child is taught to drive by their parents.  Some kids are taught at Driver’s Ed and others go to driving school.  But whoever teaches them to drive the point is: they are not alone.  Someone is in the passenger seat beside them.  Granted that person may have white knuckles and alternately be screaming and praying, but they are there!

Likewise, when we are starting out on our home-schooling journey it’s good to have a friend who is along for the ride.  Someone who has been there before; someone who has experience that we don’t have.  Perhaps it’s a large support group, a small group of moms, or even just one astute home-school friend – whatever it might be it is extremely helpful to have someone who can get you through those initial white-knuckle days of home-schooling.  Someone who will laugh with you, perhaps pray with you, and most importantly, share a latte with you.  (Okay that last one is just my personal preference – I believe a lot of the daily challenges of life can be better managed when accompanied by a latte!)

3)  You don’t take your child out driving one time and ta-da! – they now know how to drive.  You probably won’t even start with taking your child out on the road.  When I first started teaching my kids to drive I would take them to an empty parking lot somewhere: a school (on the weekend) or possibly a church parking lot when there were no services going on.  When we finally got around to going out on an actual road I tried to keep to ones that were less-traveled, and finally, after weeks (or months) of practice we would finally head out onto the busier roads.  There are so many facets to learning to drive: navigating not only the rules of the road but dealing with other drivers and learning how to react to certain situations.

I can practically guarantee you that once you actually start home-schooling your children it will not be what you expect.  It’s not that it will be better or worse necessarily, but “getting behind the wheel” will feel very different from all the planning and preparation.  You will continue to learn; you will make adjustments to “road conditions.”  Over time you will become more and more comfortable with your role as driver – I mean, home-schooling parent.  After awhile, you will be able to quickly make adjustments when you see how your children are responding to a particular curriculum, for instance.  You will gain experience and as you do, your confidence will grow as well.

Perhaps one of the most important lessons to learn from this comparison is that, when you face difficulties as a home-schooler – as you invariably will – don’t quit!  My children experienced a lot of frustration when they were first learning to drive but do you think it ever occurred to them to give up?  Of course not.  Because they knew that if they stuck with it there would be a reward at the end – a driver’s license!  In the same way, there are rewards to home-schooling that you cannot begin to envision now.  As I am now in my third decade of home-schooling, I can assure you that any bumps along the road are well worth the rewards that just keep coming and coming.

A few weeks ago I was watching a Seinfeld rerun with my two older children (ages 26 and 22).  During Seinfeld’s monologue he made the observation that when we become adults we suddenly wonder why we were so afraid of our parents.  Both my children burst out laughing.  I asked them why.  They said (in unison), “Because we KNOW why we were afraid of you!”

By the way, my relationship with both of them is amazing, so apparently they weren’t scarred for life by having a mom who set clear boundaries!

It’s been one of those days.  The baby’s having a growth spurt and wants to nurse all day.  Something got spilled – doesn’t matter what it is: sugar, flour, eggs, syrup or honey or juice (oh my!) - and it took you three hours to get it cleaned up with all the interruptions.

You really wanted to fix a nice, healthy dinner, but after nursing the baby for the fifteenth time you find it’s 6 pm, nothing’s thawed, and you’re wondering what your husband will think if you call and ask him to pick up pizza on his way home.

You started some laundry that morning but never got the clothes any further than the washing machine.  Home-schooling that day amounted to your first grader reading a book to you that you know he/she already had memorized.

I could go on but you get the point…it’s been “one of those days!”

After you feed the kids pizza , get them bathed and into bed, you just feel as if you accomplished nothing all day.  Then you start to think about how many of those days you actually have.  You start to wonder if you’re in some kind of time or energy warp like in a science fiction movie where everyone else is moving around and accomplishing things and you are just…stuck.  (Or maybe you feel like you’re in your own version of “Groundhog Day!”)

Sometimes, when I’ve had one of those days, I would do something that I am wondering if you have ever done.  No, I didn’t consume a quart of ice cream (though with all that nursing it probably wouldn’t have mattered!)

No, what I am talking about is this: sometimes when I would have one of those days, I would actually sit down and write out what I did that day.  I mean EVERY.  LITTLE.  THING.  And then I would go down the list and put a check mark next to each thing!

Ha!  I showed THAT day!  I really did accomplish something!  I am not in a time warp!  I will not wake up and repeat this day!  (Okay, maybe I will…but eventually something different will happen…I might even fix dinner!)

So has anyone reading this ever done that?  Am I the only “Type A” home-schooling mom who, at least occasionally, needs to see a nice, neat list with a row of check marks next to it?  Anyone?

A few years ago I came across the following “wish list” and found it hilarious.  I had saved a copy, which I came across a few months ago when I was organizing ideas for blog posts.  I enjoyed reading it again and thought I would like to share it with my readers.  The writer of the post, Deborah Markus, of http://www.secular-homeschooling.com/ has allowed me to share this with you.  I hope you will enjoy this article, and visit her site for more information about her online magazine.  (Oh, and by the way, I did get stood up for my senior prom and I am still bitter about it!)

1. Please stop asking us if it’s legal. If it is — and it is — it’s insulting to imply that we’re criminals. And if we were criminals, would we admit it?

2. Learn what the words “socialize” and “socialization” mean, and use the one you really mean instead of mixing them up the way you do now. Socializing means hanging out with other people for fun. Socialization means having acquired the skills necessary to do so successfully and pleasantly. If you’re talking to me and my kids, that means that we do in fact go outside now and then to visit the other human beings on the planet, and you can safely assume that we’ve got a decent grasp of both concepts.

3. Quit interrupting my kid at her dance lesson, scout meeting, choir practice, baseball game, art class, field trip, park day, music class, 4-H club, or soccer lesson to ask her if as a home-schooler she ever gets to socialize.

4. Don’t assume that every home-schooler you meet is home-schooling for the same reasons and in the same way as that one home-schooler you know.

5. If that home-schooler you know is actually someone you saw on TV, either on the news or on a “reality” show, the above goes double.

6. Please stop telling us horror stories about the home-schoolers you know, know of, or think you might know who ruined their lives by home-schooling. You’re probably the same little bluebird of happiness whose hobby is running up to pregnant women and inducing premature labor by telling them every ghastly birth story you’ve ever heard. We all hate you, so please go away.

7. We don’t look horrified and start quizzing your kids when we hear they’re in public school. Please stop drilling our children like potential oil fields to see if we’re doing what you consider an adequate job of home-schooling.

8. Stop assuming all home-schoolers are religious.

9. Stop assuming that if we’re religious, we must be home-schooling for religious reasons.

10. We didn’t go through all the reading, learning, thinking, weighing of options, experimenting, and worrying that goes into home-schooling just to annoy you. Really. This was a deeply personal decision, tailored to the specifics of our family. Stop taking the bare fact of our being homeschoolers as either an affront or a judgment about your own educational decisions.

11. Please stop questioning my competency and demanding to see my credentials. I didn’t have to complete a course in catering to successfully cook dinner for my family; I don’t need a degree in teaching to educate my children. If spending at least twelve years in the kind of chew-it-up-and-spit-it-out educational facility we call public school left me with so little information in my memory banks that I can’t teach the basics of an elementary education to my nearest and dearest, maybe there’s a reason I’m so reluctant to send my child to school.

12. If my kid’s only six and you ask me with a straight face how I can possibly teach him what he’d learn in school, please understand that you’re calling me an idiot. Don’t act shocked if I decide to respond in kind.

13. Stop assuming that because the word “home” is right there in “home-school,” we never leave the house. We’re the ones who go to the amusement parks, museums, and zoos in the middle of the week and in the off-season and laugh at you because you have to go on weekends and holidays when it’s crowded and icky.

14. Stop assuming that because the word “school” is right there in home-school, we must sit around at a desk for six or eight hours every day, just like your kid does. Even if we’re into the “school” side of education — and many of us prefer a more organic approach — we can burn through a lot of material a lot more efficiently, because we don’t have to gear our lessons to the lowest common denominator.

15. Stop asking, “But what about the Prom?” Even if the idea that my kid might not be able to indulge in a night of over-hyped, over-priced revelry was enough to break my heart, plenty of kids who do go to school don’t get to go to the Prom. For all you know, I’m one of them. I might still be bitter about it. So go be shallow somewhere else.

16. Don’t ask my kid if she wouldn’t rather go to school unless you don’t mind if I ask your kid if he wouldn’t rather stay home and get some sleep now and then.

17. Stop saying, “Oh, I could never home-school!” Even if you think it’s some kind of compliment, it sounds more like you’re horrified. One of these days, I won’t bother disagreeing with you anymore.

18. If you can remember anything from chemistry or calculus class, you’re allowed to ask how we’ll teach these subjects to our kids. If you can’t, thank you for the reassurance that we couldn’t possibly do a worse job than your teachers did, and might even do a better one.

19. Stop asking about how hard it must be to be my child’s teacher as well as her parent. I don’t see much difference between bossing my kid around academically and bossing him around the way I do about everything else.

20. Stop saying that my kid is shy, outgoing, aggressive, anxious, quiet, boisterous, argumentative, pouty, fidgety, chatty, whiny, or loud because he’s home-schooled. It’s not fair that all the kids who go to school can be as annoying as they want to without being branded as representative of anything but childhood.

21. Quit assuming that my kid must be some kind of prodigy because she’s home-schooled.

22. Quit assuming that I must be some kind of prodigy because I home-school my kids.

23. Quit assuming that I must be some kind of saint because I home-school my kids.

24. Stop talking about all the great childhood memories my kids won’t get because they don’t go to school, unless you want me to start asking about all the not-so-great childhood memories you have because you went to school.

25. Here’s a thought: If you can’t say something nice about home-schooling, shut up!

Those of us who live in hurricane “territory” know that June 1st through November 30th is hurricane season.  If you have read my “About” page then you know that my family lived in Homestead, FL when Hurricane Andrew flattened the south end of Dade County, Florida.  As a matter of fact, the eye of Andrew pretty much went right over our house!

When you go through an event like this it can often help to have a sense of humor.  And so, some time after Andrew, the following began circulating via e-mail between those of us who had the dubious honor of participating in one of the worst national disasters to ever hit the United States.  In light of the fact that today begins the 2010 hurricane season, I am offering this humorous look at hurricane preparation.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

P.S. I have no idea who may have first written this article, and I’m sure as it has made the rounds it has been edited by many (including me).  I certainly am not trying to take credit for something that someone else has written…so don’t credit me with this!

I trust you are already aware of what you need to do to be prepared for a hurricane, but in case you need a refresher course, keep in mind the following:

Any minute now, you are going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blobs out in the Atlantic Ocean or Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

1) There is no need to panic.
2) We could all die.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to live in Florida!

If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we will be hit by “the big one.”

Based on insurance industry experts, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

Step 1:  Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family at least three days.
Step 2:  Put these supplies into your car.
Step 3:  Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.  Most people will foolishly stay in Florida. 

Therefore, we are offering the following advice towards you having a “successful” hurricane season:

HOMEOWNER’S INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.  Fortunately, the insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

1) It is reasonably well-built; AND
2) It is located in Wisconsin. 

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might actually have to pay you money, and that is NOT why they got into the insurance business in the first place.  So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company which will charge you an annual premium roughly equivalent to the replacement value of your house.  At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

SHUTTERS:  Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows and doors.  There are several types of shutters, each with their own particular advantages and disadvantages: 

Plywood shutters:  The advantage is you can make them yourself so they’re cheap.  The disadvantage is that in high winds they can peel off and become “debris,” a very bad word in hurricane lexicon.

Sheet-metal shutters:  The advantage is that these work well, once you get them up.  The disadvantage is that by the time you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleedings stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters:  These shutters work great!  And they are very easy to use.  Unfortunately, you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows:  These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection; they look like ordinary windows but can withstand very high hurricane-strength winds!  You can be sure of this because the salesman says so.  He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE–PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.  You should, as a precaution, throw these items into the swimming pool (if you don’t have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).  Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out.  To determine if you live in a low-lying area, check your driver’s license and if it says “Florida,” you live in a low-lying area.  The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits.  Instead you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.  So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies.  Do not buy them now!  Florida tradition demands that you wait until the last possible moment, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of cat food (even people who don’t own cats will fight over the cat food).  In addition to food and water, you will need: 

• 23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
• Bleach (no, I don’t know what the bleach is for, NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it’s traditional, so get some!)
• A big knife that you can strap to your leg (it’s useless in a hurricane, but it looks really cool).
• A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators.  (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane there will be a lot of irate alligators.)
• $35,000 in cash and diamonds so that after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course, these are just basic precautions.  As the hurricane draws nearer, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television to watch TV reporters in rain slickers standing next to the ocean tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everyone to stay away from the ocean.

GOOD LUCK!  AND REMEMBER: IT’S GREAT LIVING IN PARADISE!