How to Know If You’re Ready to Have Kids

I received the following in an e-mail from my daughter some time ago.  I don’t know who wrote it but I thought it was funny and decided that this would be a good week to throw in a little humor before starting my 3-part series next week on homeschooling your older children.  I hope you enjoy it!

Lesson 1

  1. Go to the grocery store.
  2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
  3. Go home.
  4. Pick up the paper.
  5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

  1. Methods of discipline.
  2. Lack of patience.
  3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
  4. Allowing their children to run wild.
  5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

  1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.  Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.
  2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
  3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
  4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
  5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
  6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
  7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
  8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
  9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work.

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make?  To find out…

  1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
  2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
  3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
  4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
  5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc.  Wreck it.
  6. Spill milk on your new pillows.  Cover the stains with crayons.  How does that look?

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

  1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
  2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van.  And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don’t look like that.

  1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
  2. Leave it there.
  3. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
  4. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies.  Mash them into the back seat.  Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
  5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child (a full-grown goat is an excellent choice).  If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat.  Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.  Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

  1. Hollow out a melon.
  2. Make a small hole in the side.
  3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
  4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
  5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
  6. Tip half of the remainder into your lap.  The other half, just throw up in the air.
  7. You are now ready to feed a nine-month old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Disney, Blue’s Clues, Dora the Explorer, etc.  Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel, or Noggin for at least five years.  I know, you’re thinking “What’s ‘Noggin?”  Exactly the point.  Editorial note:  I actually don’t know what Noggin is…must be because my family doesn’t have cable!

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying “mommy” repeatedly.  (Important: no more than a four-second delay between each “mommy” allowed; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required).  Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.  You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice.  Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the “mommy” tape made from Lesson 10 above.  You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Editorial Note #2:  The above is obviously meant to be very tongue-in-cheek.  For instance, my children will tell you that my car is always clean simply because I require that all garbage be removed as soon as we get out of the car.  (I don’t tolerate clutter well!)

Keeping a sense of humor certainly helps with parenting but given that all three of my sons were what I call “non-sleepers” I know it’s not always easy!  If you’re having “one of those days” you have my permission to get yourself a cup of coffee, put your feet up, and just let everything go for a little while!

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  • This is hysterical! Thanks for the laugh.

    • Anonymous

      Glad you liked it!  I know it cracked me up when I first read it…and it still does!

  • Dearaddilyn

    I haven’t watched a regular tv show in 19 months, or got my hair cut, or a pedicure, or grocery shopped alone….today my daughter peed on my bed and rubbed her plate of strawberries in her hair.  I can so relate…

    • Anonymous

      I feel you sister!  I can’t tell you the number of times I would realize that I hadn’t had a shower…in two days! 

      But girl it’s time to hit the salon and pamper yourself a bit.  If I couldn’t get out for my regular trips to my stylist I don’t know what I’d do! 

      In any case take care of yourself!  I know it’s cliche but they do grow up so fast.  My oldest will be 27 in a few weeks and I just cannot figure out how the years got by me.

  • trish

    Oh my gosh, I thought that someone just took a peak into my life of mom of four boys. Thanks for this it made my day!!!!!

    • annegalivan

      I’m glad that I could provide a moment of humor in your day!  Raising kids is challenging but oh so full of treasured moments.  Hope you have a great day and enjoy those boys…my kids just keep growing up before my eyes…I have only one child under the age of 18 now!